The Samsarin
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
David Barker's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, March 31st, 2006 | | 2:20 am |
| | Tuesday, March 28th, 2006 | | 3:13 pm |
assalamu alaikum
Well the bun is out of the oven… Julie had an abortion on Saturday. Now I’m Boston doing the platonic emotional support thing. I have to say I’m relieved to have my life back, and to have a chance with Lynni. It seems like I’m the most broken up in all this… probably because I’m the only one in the mess that actually wanted children, even if I didn’t want this one. I still feel somewhat unethical about abortion. Even though it was probably the best possibly solution in this situation, I should never have been in this situation. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. But if Love is the Law then spending my life with Julie would be illegal. My Love, my Will, is obviously pulling me toward Lynni in a big way. I’ve been studying Sufism, which is a mystical tradition within Islam, and I’m finding that it reconciles a lot of the problems that I’ve had with Judaism and Christianity. Apparently Sufism, the precourser of Islam, was influenced by elements of Buddhism, Christian Gnosticism and Neoplatonism. So maybe I’m going back to Monotheism, which would mean going back to Monogamy. But with Lynni it seems like it would be a beautiful life. She is a wonderful woman. And I’ve just learned how to tell her so in Arabic. Antii al-bint al-mumtaaz. I think that’s right. What I don’t understand is how a religion so much more focused on Peace, and God’s love than the other Monotheisms could be so war mongering. Why a religion which finally admits that the fall wasn’t Eve’s fault, and then Adam and Eve were created equal, could be so oppressive to women. The paradox I’m struggling with is that in Islam I find a belief system that I really feel I can put my heart into… but which produces a people and a culture which at times disgust me with their crimes against humanity. But in Paganism I find a people and culture that I really feel I can put my heart into… but which produces belief systems that fly so far from any sort of basis in reality that I just can’t accept them in my most mentally flexible moments. The tradition in Islam is for men and women to remain friends and only become romantically involved during a semi formalized dating period of at least a year. During this period the couple exchanges rings, meets the family, calls it an engagement, and eventually marry. They don’t mess around with this stuff. Dating is not for fun, it’s for keeps. But I think I want to keep her. Usually a Muslim woman goes to her family and says that she wants a husband, and they make arrangements, although she has the final say if she likes the guy. In Lynni’s case her family is not Muslim, and so her community will try to set her up with the right guy. In rare cases a girl makes the choice herself, with the families approval… So I plan to convert, and spend a year studying Islam while she finishes school. After that, if it seems like the thing to do, offer myself up… formalize the engagement and make arrangements to travel to Mecca together. Then I’ll suggest to her that we go East from Mecca, to revisit the places I’ve lived: India, Maldives, China, Thialand. And if we can still stand each other after all that… get married. | | Tuesday, March 14th, 2006 | | 12:04 pm |
The Baby Update
So… my life continues to spin wildly out of control…but I’m handling it well. Julie is Pregnant. Her first two home tests were positive, and her second two clinic tests were negative. Although a third clinic test a week later showed positive, and now they’re planning a sonogram for next week. She’s decided to keep it, which I support, but not knowing the Paternity makes it difficult for me to decide where to go from here. Here’s the information I have: Julie had unprotected sex with Cat at a moon gathering on Saturday February 11th. She and I had unprotected sex at Pantheocon on Saturday February 18th. Her period was supposed to start Sunday February 26th, but didn’t. It’s a little frustrating because I had assumed Julie was still on birth control, but didn’t think to ask… or rather asking the question, “can I cum inside you” not “are you still on birth control.” These are the miscommunications we make, I guess. On the other side of the coin, Julie had come to believe that she was infertile after a failed first marriage. But this is useless information now. Cyclically speaking her encounter with Cat is at the most fertile point in her menstrual cycle. Clinic docs have estimated the date of conception as February 14th, which is right between our two encounters, with a margin or error of one week. No help there. But a sonogram should be more accurate. Cat and I both took male fertility tests. He passed, I failed, Gulik be praised. But I’m not about to call that definitive of anything. I’ve looked into medical insurance and they won’t give her a policy until the kid’s born. I’m going to get myself covered just the same, but it won’t cover maternity. And so we wait. If the sonogram doesn’t clear anything up than we can’t know until a genetics test can be done in the third trimester. Although prenatal genetics tests require a big needle and pose a threat to the child, so I’m not sure if Julie is going to agree to it. In general I’m not so shocked. I’ve always wanted kids, and Julie is not such a bad choice. She’s good with kids. She’s a happy poly pagan girl. And if we lived closer together our relationship would likely have been more than these annual encounters at P-con. Although I never would have chosen this, it’s not such a bad circumstance to find myself in. I’m an adult. I’m out of school. I have pretty good earning potential. And I think I’d be a pretty good dad. Although, I know very little about Julie in any practical setting. Together, we are not very well grounded. The wild card for me is Cat. If I knew this was my child my course would be clear. I would need a better job. From the look of things Boston pays $30/hour for graphic design starting. Although, Julie and I both have more family support in California. I would move into my Mom’s apartment complex, which would be cheap and close. It’s where I was born. We’d be living with two old women, and a family we’ve known for like 12 years. It’s perfect really. Although Julie says it sounds too domestic. Cat has no such plans of coparenting. But then what if it’s not mine… Can I spend 6-9 months behaving like I’m expecting a child only to find out that it’s not mine? What about my family? I’d hate to put them through that. Part of me thinks at that point I’d rather just keep going, be the father anyway. I told Lynni everything, despite some people's suggestion. She's upset. But she's been really positive, and supportive. One of the few who has. I feel like such an idiot. I mean given... raising a child with Julie would be a pretty cool thing, I feel totally compelled to be with Lynni... which means as many, if not more changes in my life than having a child. For example... maybe converting to Islam. Which I've had on the edge of my brain all my life. Ever since Saudi anyway. Being with Lynni would mean monogamy, but that feels like a natural transition. Being with Julie would likely mean monogamy was never in cards... My entire life has come to an awesome fork. | | Wednesday, March 1st, 2006 | | 3:42 pm |
WTF!!!
Ok, so I guess I've been afk for a while... off and on. Really busy... recent news is mixed at best. Game is going well. But we need some Antitribu already. The city is set up with a Toreador Antritribu for a prince and a Camarilla Nosferatu for an Archbishop. The two sects just recently discovered that each other were in the city. The secret was kept because Huck, the Nosferatu Archbishop used to be the cities Prince as well, and he kept the two sects separate with lethally enforced district lines. Well now the cat's out of the bag, and both groups have a full population, but no reason for war. This all seems really trivial today... P-con was good. I spent the whole time with Julie (Codename: Sunmoon) who did some really amazing healing work with me. Finally feel like all those maggots are out of my system... with some mixed results... more later. Last Saturday I was feeling sick so I went out to buy some medicine. While I was out I decided to buy some paint from OSH. Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, Black and White. All packed nice and tight in a backpack. So I'm riding home when the medicine hanging from my handle bars swings into the tire, wedging itself between the spokes and the frame of the bike, sending me flying over the front of the bike. I broke my handle bars, landed on me keys, sent aspirin flying everywhere, and best of all covered myself in yellow paint. So instead of getting rest I stood out in street hosing off all my stuff in the middle of the night. I've become smitten with the Muslim girl at work. Her name is Lynni... and I could talk about her for hours. In fact I've been writing about/to her in my meat space journal all day. I can't get her out of my head. And from the look of things she likes me too... there's just that small matter of me needing to convert to Islam... which I'm not that opposed to. Islam could use some Discordians in my opinion... I've been on cloud 9 about this for days. Can't get her out of my head... until today when I got a phone call from Boston. Seems that Julie is pregnant... and there's a halfway decent chance that it's mine... | | Sunday, January 22nd, 2006 | | 6:34 pm |
Who needs a LARP? 2/3/6
Starting Friday February 3rd I’m going to have a Friday night LARP at my house. I’ve talked to some of the people in the house, and I’ve been working with Matt and Ckad next door. It looks like it’s going to be a Vampire Game Primarily. Basic Elysium set up. David Winslow will be playing a Toreador Prince, and the house is his Elysium. Conventional clan politics, including election of primogen is player driven, and should be taken up with the Prince. But it should be clear that this is not the world of darkness. This is the World of David. Rules are a little different. Clans histories will be revealed. And there will be room for other creatures… even humans… in some areas of the house. I like to give players alot of liscence with their character concepts. The house will be zoned. The basement will represent the sewers and underworld. Virgo will bartend that scene. The first floor is a common space where humans are welcome, which means non players are welcome. This means the masquerade will be observed here by the Prince’s order. The second floor is a better place for clan politics. Residents who are playing in the game are going to establish their rooms as clan centers. The Prince’s room is on the second floor, which will probably be where the council meets. I don’t want to give away too many details. Dominant clans so far are Nosferatu, Malkavian, and Tremere. But just about anything can be played. This will be a game of secrecy and revealing. The first game will be Friday January Third from Dusk till Dawn. The amount of plot we work through will depend on the size and scope of the players. But the first game tends to be all character creation. I encourage people to work with me to finish that ahead of time. But if a person has a clear concept they should feel free to come and play, no character sheet until it actually comes up. I believe in a fluid game space. More as we develop | | 4:13 pm |
"I was the lilli pad she used to jump off the aligator"
I never wrote those letters for the C-Model. I’ve been out of school and unemployed till tomorrow. I start Jazz Land again tomorrow. I now own three tooth brushes… and one foot brush. (Those that know about 8th Street Black Foot understand.) The Art Burn was an utter failure. It rained. And I can’t help but suspect that I had something to do with it. The night before I was in Santa Cruz with Athena and Codename Virgo (Charlotte Sometimes). We left Vergo there, and I took Athena home in Virgo’s car. On the way Athena got really sick and threw up in a gas station, and was concerned for the morning crew. I was heard to say, “Don’t worry, it will rain tomorrow.” And soon as I said it I felt it get out. I don’t know how else to say it, It’s like the command escaped, and I thought about it the whole way home while Athena slept. But it was financially successful. I made $805.55. $60 of which was Norton Dollars. And $215 of which was from my Mom, which just came off my debt to her. Plus an outstanding %115.55. All together the trip funded this period of unemployment and a short trip to Arizona to work on the Novel. I left for Arizona on December 26th, just for a few days. I actually kept a very detailed journal of the experience, but the laptop did not survive the journey. That’s the third hard drive that has crashed while I was working on this novel… which has me a little discouraged. Luckily I backed up all my files literally the day before I left, so I didn’t loose much. All I lost was three or four resume drafts, about 30 pages of false starts to the novel, a log my activities in Arizona, and a bunch of software. It was then that I fell into a deep depression. I moved out of the bar, and into the Basement Suite on the other side of the basement. Virgo moved into the bar. Moving was slow, but it was good to look everything over, take an inventory, and move into a real room. So there’s talk of paint. I adore Virgo… or rather I adore Charlotte… but I also adore Virgo. Most of the time I can think of no one else. Of course that also means that I’m too chicken shit to act on anything. Constantly frustrated with myself. I am reminded of the movie The Village. One of the characters discovers the father’s secret crush because he observes that he doesn’t touch her. He greets everyone in the community warmly, but with her he fidgets with his fingers and stares at his toes like a nervous gentleman on his best behavior. THAT’S ME! So, about the laptop. Now given, the screen was cracked, and it was getting worse over time. It was pretty bad, and I’m told if you go through the manufacturer it can be more expensive to fix than the laptop itself. But I’d gotten used to it. It gave the laptop character. I have a photograph of my laptop’s last words… I should post that… neat. I booked a train because I needed the electrical outlet to work, but I was transferred to a bus, and the laptop went dead in about an hour and a half. I spent a lot of time sitting in coffee shops and writing, and I managed to book a train home, but I was distracted by the onboard movies. When I got home it was all BSDs. It wouldn’t even open in safe mode. I had our tech people in the house look at it, and I was hearing that I going to have to rip out the hard drive, gut the computer basically. I left the laptop on the coffee table over the night, and when I got up in the morning it was gone… It was only unattended between the hours of 3am and 8am, but I guess that’s all it takes. And so I was without laptop for a long time… part my of my reason for not posting. So how did I spend my time? I sat on the house computer and sent out resumes and cover letters. To date only two company out of dozens responded. The first was www.xyratex.com which was looking for a graphic designer. I sent them a cover letter in which I insulted their webpage, calling it bland, and boring. I guess that got their attention. The other was AB Press, which scheduled an interview with me on Thursday. Then a credit card arrived in the mail. So I bought a new laptop. And now I’m back on page one. | | 4:11 pm |
| | Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 | | 12:55 am |
A rushed update
My life has gone fucking crazy... again... I've completely rejected the C-model, but have decided to write letters all the way around explaining as much of the experience as I'm comfortable with them knowing. Maybe I'll publish these later when I'm at home base. So what's new... I'm coming up on my last weeks of school and I'm busy ALL the time. Like... I lost my toothbrush on friday, and I didn't have time to pick one up at a 7 11 before I found it today... In the mean time I wrote two papers, studied for a poly sci midterm, finished a life size wire frame of myself.... and I can't even remember what else... so what are the highlights? Angel is talking to me again... she broke up with Omar... so the pattern continues. I had a fucking blast at Power Exchange with Keith Athena David and Jen... who needs a code name... related to spiders... no... Codename:vertigo It was awsome. I got flogged through the zip tie shirt. And our troupe got asked if they could hire us for parties. Sinse then Vertigo and I have spent 12 hours writing a song from start to finish. It's about King Haggard from the Last Unicorn. Plans for the Art Burn are going well. There is talk of other artists bringing things of their own to burn. Plus Norton Dollars are worth 10 on the 17th. Persephone is coming to both events, which makes me very happy. I've been thinking about ERIS alot... namely because of the uninvited guest at my last party. Meditating on the golden lemon. And I've decided to invite the uninvited guest. I don't know if she'll actually come. But I've told her that if she does I probably won't have time to socialize with her. In other news Labret and I have been talking extensively about racist jokes and proper tipping. I am against racist jokes. And it's not because I find them offensive. I guess I find them ignorant. In fact I've even been known to spout some off myself, mostly Polish Jokes... but only when I dabble in ignorant humor. But I don't find them offensive. I find the frustrating, because to engage in the joke I have to return to a reality tunnel that I'm trying to let die. I try to sustain a reality tunnel such distinctions aren't clear enough to be generalized about, and so I am jarred into an uncomftable tunnel as soon as the jokster starts. It's just no pleasant for me. It is likely because my mother works for the fish market that I understand the etiquette of proper tipping. ((M.S. "Don't date latin chicks.")) Wow that was a weird sentance.... but whatever you do... "I was the lilli pad she used to jump off the aligator" | | Friday, November 25th, 2005 | | 7:05 pm |
| | Monday, November 21st, 2005 | | 12:37 am |
| | Wednesday, November 9th, 2005 | | 1:37 pm |
Shards of Glass
Tablie ov Contracts 101 by 10111 ………….. 19 A Periphery ……………….... 12 Aeon ………………………….. 39 An order came from above …….. 20 Big Brother ……………………… 35 Blind …………………………….... 11 Boning your sister …………….….. 21 Chapel Perilous ……………..… 13 Curse of the Lotus Eaters ….. 10 Elixir Red …………….….. 38 Emperor Norton ……….. 15 Itchy Women …………27 Janus ……………….…. 14 Losing Control …….…. 5 Maybe ……………...……23 Morning Star ………….… 6 Muffins …………………… 24 Nowhere Plan ……………… 36 On a road with no end ……… 31 Over the Hill and Dreaming .. 25 Perfect Little Princess ……... 42 Purple Fingers ……….….…. 7 Runes ……………………….. 26 Shards of Glass ………………... 1 Self Portrait …………………….. 43 Silence ……………………….…. 33 Slide ………………………….... 32 Snilbog ………………………….28 Someplace Better ………………….29 Sparks ……………….………..….. 16 Starbucks Cofee ……………..…… 8 Sunlight ……………….………. 9 The Carnation ………….…. 17 The Periphery …………. 22 The vacant sea ….….. 4 The Samsarine ………40 Toxins …………..… 18 Unseen ……………..... 24 Washed Away ……….. 30 ( Read more... ) | | Thursday, November 3rd, 2005 | | 4:38 pm |
A transitional weekend.
So I guess my weekend started on Thursday. I cut my last class and when I got home there was a Hispanic guy in my room holding my bong. Disoriented, I took it from him and began asking who he was, but he threw up his hands saying something like, “Hey man, none of my business.” And left, running down the street. Upon closer examination I realized that he had pulled my guitar out of it’s milk crate and pulled it across the room, setting it in the closet when he couldn’t untangle it from the cables. He also packed my bong, spilled bong water everywhere, and stole all my AA batteries. By the time I realized he wasn’t a friendly he was gone, but not before dropping my distortion petal in the driveway. He escaped with the petal that doesn’t work. I don’t get it… was he smoking in my room? Did I spook him? I took this as a sign from Saint Gulik to smoke a bowl and go for a bike ride… my favored form of exercise. On the way I ran into the Androgyny from my old Poly Sci class and her girlfriend. I joined them for dinner. After dinner I went out drinking with Shotgun Jeb, who has the same birthday as me. We went with Danny and Phil to some Irish Pub downtown. The only bartender in San Jose who knows how to make a Golden Apple. Needles to say we were drunk beyond all belief. I didn’t get home till like two. It was good times had by all. When I went to sleep I knew she would call. I always do. K called at about three in the morning. I didn’t answer the phone. She didn’t leave a message… which bugged me. I was about an hour late to work, putting me there at about 7 in the morning. I open so there was no one there to open the store. Luckily my intestines waited till Alex arrived at about 7:30 before they decided to reject the Chinese food I had the night before. I was too sick for Yoga after class, besides, I had to get myself cleaned up before going to my parents house. When I arrived home my mother was on the phone with Chris in Florida. My grandmother had just died. Needless to say the festivities were grey. My mom gave me a body fishnet, and as I held it Charlie looked half shocked saying, “Honey isn’t that the same one you have?” I love my mom. She also gave my boxes and boxes of old school records. My mother is renowned for keeping copious records. They are all filed by grade, from first to fifth and contain everything I did in that whole time. I describe the highlights later. But this gift really showed my that my fear of Bureaucracy is actually a fear of my mother’s death. So long as she is alive, I need never face the taxes hiding under my bed. I also got some DVDs, and four bottles of Mead. My family knows me so well. I could feel Katie coming closer. And twice I scrolled through my phone and seriously considered calling her and asking her not to come to my party. I would have explained that I wasn’t because I hated her, only that I had enough to deal with. That I don’t enjoy her company when she’s drunk. In the end I decided against this because I figured she wouldn’t be so inconsiderate as to come uninvited. I had inadvertently invited both Chelsea and Charlene to the party. The invitations were given before I would have thought of either of them as someone I was “dating” and I had already told both of them about each other. I’m not into that deception thing. I was ethically in the clear, but it was potentially awkward to have them both in the same place at the same time without playing some kind of primary/secondary game. In the end I told Charlene ahead of time that Chelsea was taking my bed spot on account of living farther away and being more of a drinker. It was the reasonable solution, and everyone seemed ok with it. Saturday morning Katie called me again. I answered. Lots of awkward silence. No substance. I don’t know why she bothers to call if she’s got nothing to say. All she really said was “happy birthday” and that she was in San Jose seeing Chachi. It was delivered in a tone that sounded like she wanted me to take some kind of bait, but I’m of the opinion that Katie has to ask for anything she wants at this point. I’m not offering anything. The party was fun. I dressed in the Burqa, like an Islamic prostitute. The jingling anklet is what distinguished a prostitute from any other woman. They can’t dress sexy, so men just follow the sound, and when a woman sees a man following her she just discretely walks some place private to talk. Katie did show up uninvited. She drank herself stupid, groping on all my friends, including Chelsea. She hugged me and kissed my neck while Chelsea was sitting on my lap. I can’t help but think if the roles were reversed Chachi would have punched me in the face. All and all drama was low. Katie didn’t do anything too stupid or hurtful, but I can’t shake the frustration that she is still just completely inconsiderate of everyone. When she left I caught her stealing a unopened bottle of Mead. I called her on it, and she spun around and presented it to me as if it was a birthday gift. Fucking annoying. But what can I do now? She shows up uninvited. She’s unresponsive when I use a direct method. There is nothing I can do but accept her behavior and shield myself from its consequences. But it was not what I wanted to deal with. In fact it’s not ever what I want to deal with. This “friendship” is composed entirely of all the things I hated about the relationship and none of the things that I liked about it. I wish she would just disappear. In the end Charlene hooked up with Ilaiah, which is a good match, and rumor has it they have something resembling a relationship going on now. I’m happy for her. Chelsea went to be with me. It was really what I needed. The comfort of a loving friend. The cuddling and scratching of another cat. Someone with whom I can unburden myself. Sunday I went up to visit my Dad’s half of the family in San Francisco. I was stoned as fuck, and really not in a very good mood. So I spent all my time running around with Matthew, which is always great fun. Especially when your stoned. My dad got me the new iPod nano. The thing is fucking awesome. I can’t get over how small the thing is compared to it’s storage space. I’ve got 304 songs and 2354 pictures and it’s only a third full. Music has definitely been missing from my life recently. It was a really good gift. Monday was Halloween. I wore the Burqa to school and work. I talked to Cameo first because I really didn’t want to talk to Katie. Cameo told me that Katie had told her that I invited her. So I talked to Katie and she admitted that she had crashed the party. This kind of shit just really gets on my nerves. I mean I did decide against specifically telling her not to come. But there was nothing keeping her from calling me and asking if it was ok. Nothing keeping her from being considerate of how I might feel about it. I probably would have said yes if she asked because it would have given me a chance to explain the situation. It’s just so typical it’s hard to even get upset about. We went to Death Guild Monday night. Thinking better of Cara, ending up friends with Cassie, and Charlene hooking up with Ilaiah left me with Chelsea the only C left. And I was happy about it. She was the one I felt the most for. The one I got along the best with. The one I had the longest history with… but by the end of the night it had ended. To elucidate the series of events leading to this I’ll have to tell you about Cami, who I have decided to call Codename:Pluto, after Edgar Allen Poe’s The Black Cat. But this story I’ll have to save for another post. It really deserves my undivided attention. | | 2:34 am |
A Chaotic end to a Chaotic Year
So my birthday was Friday, marking the end of my twenty third year. I chose to live. Let me tell you about it. I’d like feedback as I think I’m tightrope walking the line of sanity a little. I should start with the letter K. It is the K in Kallisti… Kallisti meaning “for the fairest one.” It is also the K in Magic, and the K in Kalliope, the muse of eloquence, my muse, whose name means “the fairest one” In the English Kababble K holds the value of 9, the number of completion in the 818, the one within the many. To me K was also the K in Katie, and Katie was as a focal point, a magical tool, an altar, a priestess, a vessel to the ends to these divine concepts which were the corner stones of my world view at the time. And then everything changed. The K-Model was primarily a monogamous model. Despite minor deviations, I didn’t look at another Priestess for 3 years. And when I did it was always to previous, or future representatives of the K-Model. Fuck all! You know I just realized? Every attraction from my second funeral at 14 to my most recent one were attractions based on the K-Model. Searching for the Muse… the fairest one… The Holiday Eyes, The Viking Goddess, something Fae, Nymph like. I am calling this new model the C-Model. C holds the value of 13, number of Freya, Goddess of Love. The C-Model orbits around 5 women so alchemically perfect and alphabetically solid that they have allowed me to break apart the ideal of the K-Model into categories, and they have dominated the C folder on my cell phone, which reads as follows: Cameo, Cami, Cara, Cassie, Chad, Charlene, Chelsea, Cheryl, Chiarito, Christine, and Conie, all of which I guess I should talk about a little bit. It should be noted that I have not had sex with any of these people. I am practicing celibacy until I can trust my libido to keep me out of trouble. I began rethinking the K-Model when I met Cara (Who I have called Codename:Angel) When I first met Cara I asked if I could spell her name with a K. I think she was really offended. Later while tampering with pictures I made her eyes green. Being a stoner this appealed to her. Cara hit it right on the head when she looked at an old painting of Ginny and said, “she looks just like me.” She and Ginny look nothing alike, but she is absolutely right. Cara clearly has an eye for inspiration. But it was Cara that really made me rethink this muse. By focusing on Kalliope, who is the most “beautiful”, I had neglected Calliope who is the most “just”. Both are the most “fair.” Both Katie and Cara are in the K category. Fiery and spontaneous enough to inspire, but completely without any barometer for justice. Typical Sagittarius. It was Chelsea, (who rightfully deserves Codename: Felis Catus, sorry Meghan, it’s a complicated system, and I hadn’t done all the summation yet) who got me rethinking remnants of an old system. The old system categorized the various people in my life into three categories, Artists, Muses, and Fans. Artists I tended to form strong working relationships with. Like Jackson Pollock and Lee Krasner. Muses were people who inspired work from me, not necessarily female, not necessarily beautiful. And Fans were people who enjoyed my work, who in general got on my nerves. And for a long time most people in my life fell into one or all of these categories at least a little bit. But Chelsea helped me break apart the category of Fan into people who are Fans of things I’m a Fan of. She lifted the burden of having to perform like a monkey for the Emperor Norton Fans and instead allowed me to geek out in my own Star Trek way… and so you see she deserves Felis Catus, as it is a fragment of a poem Commander Data wrote about his cat Spot. She is by far my favorite Fan, and I hope she never sees a lick of my art. Cassie, (who I have called The Lady Door) is a hodge podge. An Artist, this girl has understandings of the transition between two dimensional and three dimensional space that I will never comprehend. She is easy to talk to. A wonderfully eccentric stoner girl. She’s a beautiful Irish girl that’s into the Doors, and likes jumping on cardboard. Works on communication, took Yoga, dynamite putter. She smells like Arizona to me, which is looking forward. She once said to me in shock, “never reach into your shoe!” Advise which will be invaluable when I’m in the dessert. Charlene represents the extreme Calliope. A student of criminal justice, skilled negotiator, intelligent conversationalist. Charlene (who I have called Codename:McBeal) is by far the most fair. She’s a conservative Jewish girl from Jersey who’s new to the West Coast Goth scene. She’s honest, and best of all easy to be honest to. Some how I think she’d be skilled at detecting a lie anyway… not to mention probably skilled at delivering them. Finally Cami, who I have never spoken of. She’s a Gemini… something completely new to me. She is a muse in a very deep way, and worst of all she knows it. On top of that she is a writer, a fan of the grotesque. I don’t want to say too much of her just yet, but I am smitten. Of everyone here she is the one who feels like providence. But I will speak of her when I find a name. Let’s sum up the C-Model Name Artist Muse Fan Kalliope Calliope Cameo a f Cami A M f ?k? Cara a M ?k? Chad F Charlene C Chelsea a m F Cheryl M Chiarito A Christine f Conie f ? ~ It is yet unclear as my aesthetics seem to be in the process of changing with the transition from K to C-Model. Disclaimer: The C-Model is not a ranking system. There is no hierarchy. The number of categories a person fits into is in no way an accurate measure of a person’s importance to me. In all cases, the Model is not the territory. Watch what happens when you change the model: Name Pagan Burning Man RPG Geek/Goth Arizona Stoner Cameo P r G s Cami p B r G A s Cara S Chad R g S Charlene G a Chelsea P B r S Cheryl A Chiarito Christine P r g ?s? Conie r g See! Totally different results. There is still soo much more to say, but I need to rest before I tell you about my weekend. | | Sunday, October 30th, 2005 | | 11:38 pm |
The Aftermath
"Your happiness or suffering is dependant entirely on your attitude toward your perception." ~Iqbal Gomar So friday marked the end of my Chaos year, and Saturday the celebration. I'm not ready to comment. Only happy that I survived. Some rather interesting chaotic elements were thrown into one pot and luckily, despite volatility, nothing exploded. More later | | Thursday, October 27th, 2005 | | 8:07 pm |
PARTY!!
For everyone within the sound of my voice. There is a party at my house on Saturday October 29th at 9pm. This is a costume party. There's is going to be a boffer arsenal, and a live band. I'm being told it's "psychedelic punk" what ever that is. So you should all come. Bring something to share if you can. The party is at 567 S. 8th Street, San Jose, CA. Any questions call me (408) 718-0148. | | Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 | | 11:21 pm |
The weekend has really been about focus.
I had three dates that were not more than hour apart straight from Friday night at 7 to Sunday morning at about noon. Friday night I showed Codename: McBeal around downtown San Jose. She spent the night. When she left in the morning I had just enough time to shower and make my way over to see the Lady Door. We had plans to smoke some pot and play miniature golf. Lots of fun... I like her a lot more than I express. And then when I got home I had a few hours to watch some TV before Chelsea picked me up to go to a Barbeque with her friends, and later we went to Power Exchange with David, Athena, and Elena. She also spent the night, although I’m not having sex with any of these people. I’ve decided not to have sex outside of relationships that have some communication on the matter. I’ve also decided that it is only right to tell all of these people that I am dating the others. And I’m not going to solidify any of them into full blown relationships until there has been some communication about the others. The only person I haven’t discussed it with yet is Lady Door, although she knows I’m seeing other people. She is the one who stirs the most emotions in me, and ironically the one I have the most fear communicating with. This is partly because we are coworkers. I’d like to elaborate on all of these outings when I have more time. But right now I want to write about some thoughts I’ve had. First: People’s interest in one another seems to be an inverse function of how attracted the other person is. In other words, we are most attracted to those who are not attracted to us. Further, we are turned off by other’s attraction to us. Man if this isn’t a sick psychological joke. It’s still unclear to me whether this is a function of people’s actual beauty, like compensating for being less attractive by being more aggressive, or if it’s on the part of the observer. Leemore seems to think it’s all in my head. That I am personally more attracted to women who aren’t into me, and their actual appearance is irrelevant. This might be somewhat related to women’s tendency to date assholes and try to fix them. It’s like we feel the need to over come a challenge to validate our own worth… But this mostly bothers me when the shoe is on the other foot, when showing interest in a woman means her losing interest in me. Although a big part of what’s going on is that I was rigorously trained not to expressing my feelings while I was dating Katie because she would always get scared and pull away. Second: Appearance may or may not be totally arbitrary. When I was in high school I thought I was fat. Not just chubby, I thought I was obese. Although in photographs you can see that I’m pencil thin, with ribs showing through T-shirts. So there’s a fair chance that I had an eating disorder in high school. My body image was nothing short of a hallucination. And I wasn’t on any drugs at the time. So it’s hard to tell whether or not my current body image is a hallucination. My weight doesn’t actually fluctuate very much, but when I was dating Katie she used to tell me that she wasn’t attracted to me, that I was chubby or over weight. And so I felt heavy. I felt unhealthy. But now I’m taking these yoga classes, feeling more in tune with my body, and even though my actual weight has not changed at all. I look 100 times better, at least to myself, in the mirror. I feel healthier. But it doesn’t stop there. I think my image of other people’s bodies might be a hallucination as well. Chelsea for example looks exactly the same as she did in high school. Although if you ask her she’s actually put on a lot of weight. In high school she was like me, pencil thin with an eating disorder. Now she is at a healthy weight, and according to her looks completely different, yet to me looks the same. My freshman year of collage I was in bed with this woman I barely knew, and to this day can’t remember the name of, and moments before coitus I freaked out because she looked like Codename: Holiday Eyes, who I dated twice in high school, and once just recently. This was a complete hallucination, non drug induced, and as a result I could not perform sexually. This happened a few times after that, but interestingly enough, when I actually dated Holi again last year, she didn’t look as I remembered, although she claimed that she had not changed since high school. Now Angel looks like hallucination of Holi to me, and yet Angel and Holi look nothing alike. So where is that face I dated in high school? Holi was the first, but it clearly wasn’t her face… it must have been some kind of hallucination even back then. Last week Chelsea stayed over at my place, and I was high as fuck and thinking about these hallucinations. It occurred to me, rather impulsively, to grab Chelsea by the nose and pull her face around, thinking to myself, “You will look as I want you to look.” Through an act of willful hallucination I was able to make Chelsea first look like Katie, and then look like Holi, but ultimately left her looking like herself. I didn’t share this experiment with her because I worried it might offend. But for it brings up a strange concern. If my image of Holi was a hallucination from the beginning, and my image of Katie is a hallucination, then maybe my image of Chelsea is a hallucination as well, and none of these faces are the truth of what these people look like. What does anyone look like? | | Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 | | 10:38 pm |
Art Instalation
 This survived in the elevator in the art building for 12 hours. I call it The Exquisite Corpse. ( Read more... )Apparently this was art that not only needed to be censored, and trashed, but destroyed. I found the remains in a trash bin the faculty office. Once I examined what was left it was clear that whoever took it down did so by digging their nails into Jesus' "eyes" and dragging down. If I have offended then I have done my job. | | 10:13 pm |
| | 9:19 pm |
| | 9:58 am |
It is done
Anyone local with the free time is encouraged to check out the elevator in the art building. Pictures soon. |
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